Taking Steps to Sobriety

I want to be perfectly transparent here, I don’t follow the Twelve Steps program. I don’t go to meetings regularly. I haven’t check-listed things that I need to do on a personal inventory. Maybe I should, but I haven’t to date.

The reason I tell you this is because I want to be honest here. As much as I speak about recovery and being a better version of myself, I don’t know the ins and outs of the AA program. I know what my husband has been through and what he continues to practice on a daily basis. Other people in the program have also shared with me their life changing stories.

I may not have a first hand testimony of someone whose life was changed from the program, but I guarantee you I am an advocate for AA. There are so many people I know who have been touched by the program that it would be silly not to endorse such a strong recovery organization.

There are also people I know who have entered into rehabilitation centers and saw incredible results. The seclusion from the influence of the world helped them gain the perspective they needed to get sober.

Whatever your need is, or the need of someone you care about, I urge you to look into your options. There is no need to suffer alone. Even if AA or a rehab center isn’t for you, please talk to someone.

One day at a time…

Staying Grounded When Things Are Going Well

Have you ever gotten into a really good routine and then – BAM! – out of nowhere everything is derailed in an instant?

I feel like this constantly happens to me. It’s not until I go back to pick up the pieces that I reveal where it all went wrong. Recently, my husband was having a bad week. He couldn’t figure out why he was struggling so hard with motivation.

“I’m still praying every morning. I’m taking care of my school work. [He’s currently in an MBA Program.] I’m trying to get enough sleep every night, but I still just don’t feel it. What is the deal?”

Then he went to a meeting. He realized he was going through the motions with some of his daily routines and not really working his program. He hadn’t talked to anyone outside of the large-group meeting he was attending and was merely spectating as others actively tried. He had a realization that he couldn’t see until it was brought to his attention.

We all go through ebbs and flows of life’s tide, but it’s our job to step back from the big picture every once in a while and make sure we are still on the right course.

Maybe you quit working out because it hasn’t fit into your schedule. Maybe you are eating out more because it’s convenient for those late work nights. Maybe you simply don’t believe you have time to pray every morning.

Make taking care of yourself (mentally, physically, and spiritually) a priority and I promise you won’t have any regrets.

Keeping It Short & Sweet

Sometimes I tend to over-complicate things. I try too hard. I do more than expected. (Ha, you could say I’m an over-achiever at heart.) But not today. Today is short and sweet.

Here are our reminders for today:

One day at a time.

Progress, not perfection.

Practice patience, love, and tolerance.

Try to be the best version of yourself.

Big Goals & Big Dreams

I used to be afraid of big goals and big dreams. One of the attitudes I’ve seen time and time again in people I’ve met in recovery is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being inadequate. Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding. 

I have finally realized I am only responsible for working towards my goals. My HP is the only one who can make them happen. Sometimes doors open and sometimes they get slammed in your face, but giving up isn’t an option. I’ve read amazing stories about people who used to be homeless and on their last leg of this life, only to completely turn their life around and become the amazing person who was trapped inside of them all along.

Big goals and big dreams should be part of our daily lives. Even if your only goal today is to not have a drink, that’s a pretty big goal! There’s nothing too small for my HP to handle and there’s nothing too big either. Ask your HP to fulfill all of your heart’s desires.

Sober

What does it mean to be sober? Well, I know I can’t speak for everyone and I surely can’t speak for anyone’s experiences but my own. Webster’s dictionary describes Sober as:

1. 1a:  sparing in the use of food and drink :abstemiousb:  not addicted to intoxicating drinkc:  not drunk

2. 2:  marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor

3. 3:unhurried, calm

4. 4:  marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness <a sober candlelight vigil>

5. 5:  subdued in tone or color

6. 6:  showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

For me, I agree with everything above and I’d add a few little things from my experiences.

Sober means:

• To try hard every day to make good choices
• To put others above yourself because selfishness leads down the wrong path
• To not give into temptation, even when it’s alluring and sounds amazing
• To remember your WHY; Why am I doing this in the first place?

Maybe you agree, maybe you disagree. Bottom line is that being sober is a daily choice. Not a once in a lifetime statement someone makes and then never thinks about again.

Good luck in your sobriety today.

Procrastinating

It’s amazing how not drinking has cut down on my anxiety. I have never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, however, I believe I looked forward to the rush that came with procrastination and waiting until the last minute. 

Now, I don’t even recognize that person who waited on everything! I plan everything, probably a little too much, but I feel like it’s what I can control. Having this attitude has definitely come with its own uphill battles (expectations can be very disappointing if held too high), but overall I feel like a more productive member of society than I used to be.

Sure, I still got stuff done in the past. And I didn’t always half-ass everything. But now…I get it done with a clear head, before the deadline, and with quality work every time. Not just on the off-chance…every time.

This applies to many areas of my life, but mostly tasks that involves my family. I feel that they are now getting the whole version of me and not only the leftovers of a train wreck.

Maybe that applies to you too. I’m not sure. But I know that being prepared and showing up every day doesn’t have near as many consequences as just “seeing how things pan out”. So today, I’m here. I don’t have it together 100%, but I’m trying and I’m planning to hit my goals for today. One day at a time, right?

Higher Power (my HP)

I won’t get religious here (I’m not a debate savvy person anyway), but I will tell you my belief. I believe there is something bigger than myself out in the universe and I’m thankful every day that he/she/it has chosen to change my life for the better.

I wouldn’t be here, sitting in this chair typing out this post, if it weren’t for my HP. I would have left a long, long time ago. That’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to run. I wanted to not look back. But there was something telling me “Hang on. Just a little bit longer. I know it’s tough, but I PROMISE it will get better.”

Because I was so used to hearing those words from husband, it was hard to take my HP seriously when those same words appeared in my mind over and over. But I knew it was real. How did I know? I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I could almost physically feel the certainty of the words as they came again and again.

Let me be clear. These words didn’t show up one day when everything was going “okay”. This happened when I was in crisis mode about to have the car packed and hit the road. This was after I had already kicked him out for 3 weeks. This was after I already met with a divorce attorney to see what my options were. No, my HP waited until I was completely certain I had made my mind up this time and I was through. 

I believe every person’s situation is different. I know not everyone experiences things the way I have in the past or will in the future. But I also believe in faith. (Something I was REALLY lacking at this point in my life, by the way.) 

My prayer for you, dear reader, is that you have faith in your HP in whatever capacity that is for you. Maybe things will turn out great. Maybe things will get worse before they get better. Maybe things won’t change at all. But having faith in something bigger than yourself will help you become a better version of yourself. 

The Ego…A Terrible Roommate

Without trying to dig out terms from an Intro to Psychology class I took nearly a decade ago (I’ll be honest, I don’t remember them all anyway), I will describe in every day terms how my ego (maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone’s ego) behaves on a daily basis.

She’s a lunatic. My ego, we’ll name her Luna, has always had issues with me talking about her negatively or in ways that don’t shine the highest and brightest spotlight available.

Luna likes things bright, happy, and shiny. God forbid a sad or negative feeling step in to say, “Hey, I won’t be here long. I’m just in town a for a funeral. I’ll be gone by next week.” No no. That’s unacceptable. Luna doesn’t cry. Luna isn’t weak. Luna is strong. She doesn’t need anyone to help her get through the tough times. She can manage on her own.

Well, like a terrible roommate I’m done with, I’ve given Luna an eviction notice. The terms are: 

“Either shape or ship out! I’m done with you bossing around the emotions that are just trying to help. They are part of us. There is plenty of room for everyone here. Yes, it sucks when sadness comes in and leaves little crumbs all over the place. Or when anger comes in and rips all of the wall paper off the walls (except in the dining room for some reason). 

Get your shit together or you’re out on the street, honey! I’m done with you ruining the party around here and being so rude to our guests. They don’t come for long. Yes, I know they all want to visit at the same time around the holidays, but we have to accept all of them. They won’t stay long. Besides, you still have your party girl Happy with you and it’s pretty tough to bring her down.”

Luna and I have worked hard on our roommate situation and I am pleased to say she is behaving better now. She cleans up her own messes and has even apologized for stuff that happened a few years ago. I think our future is really bright together…as long as she remembers who pays the rent around here! 

Expectations

I’ve found myself giving advice to others about expectations. “Don’t plan a party with the expectation that everyone on the guest list will show up, on time, with no disruptions to a perfect evening.” Something always happens…and that’s okay.

But why, when it comes to my life, do I STILL expect things to go so smoothly every day? I don’t leave any room for mistakes to happen or a kid to get sick or an oven to stop working or a tire to be flat or the internet to stop working (first world problems I know). 

I’m getting better about not holding myself and others to unrealistic expectations. The best thing I learned in an Al-Anon meeting was there isn’t one single person who will be everything you will ever need. In other words, it’s not fair to expect my husband to be everything to me. Yes, he is my best friend. Yes, he is my rock. Yes, he is most things to me. But he cannot replace the women in my life with whom I have my “girl talk” convos. He cannot be my mother when I need help with a cooking question. He cannot be my best girlfriend when I’m trying to remember the name of a friend who went to school with us.

The point is, expectations are crap! They can help us in certain situations (meeting our goals, disciplining our children, having a guideline for how our day should be going), but they shouldn’t be the end all be all. “If every thing on my expectations listed doesn’t happen, then I’m a failure.” I know this thought has popped into my head numerous times! 

Take a look at the expectations you hold yourself to and give yourself a little grace. Create some margin in your life for the unexpected. 

Sometimes when my day doesn’t completely go as planned, those are the days I remember the most. Maybe one of my kids wanted to play a board game and I couldn’t say no. Maybe I stopped at more red lights than usual, but heard a song on the radio that reminded me of growing up with my brothers. Maybe dinner was ruined and my husband jumped at the chance to buy frozen pizzas.

I know all of these seem silly, but letting go of expectations transforms our thoughts. It is like we can breathe again! Come up for some fresh air! Don’t let your own expectations drag you back down!