I’ll be perfectly honest here, I wrote the title to this post almost 2 weeks ago. It hit me when I was in the middle of a self-shaming pity party. I was upset that I was off schedule and wasn’t able to keep up with my blog, here and elsewhere, while we were in the middle of moving. To be honest, I felt like a failure.
“I couldn’t even be prepared enough to write ahead and post something scheduled while we were moving. I’m in over my head. This just isn’t for me. Maybe I should just quit blogging altogether.” That shame monster is one powerful SOB! Are you kidding me? I was going to quit because I couldn’t post anything for a week!
Now I feel like I need to give myself a little tough love pep talk. “You were going to quit? We didn’t come this far just for you to abandon this good thing we’ve got going! If you quit, shame wins. Fear wins. Are you going to keep giving in to fear when things get tough?” Once again, a drama played out between myself and my ego. (It’s enough to make your head spin sometimes.)
The point of it all is to say that this inner turmoil helped me realize that grace wins every time. When I wasn’t able to post while we were moving, I gave myself grace to get settled into our new home and then I would continue on this journey. I knew that we wouldn’t be living out of moving boxes and suitcases forever, so I didn’t allow myself to quit. I offered myself grace instead. And now I feel like I have been given a new kind of motivation – a grace inspired motivation.
I didn’t quit – you can’t get rid of me that easy. Please give yourself some grace today if you’re struggling to meet yours or someone else’s expectations. We’re all human.
It’s hard to get into a groove and start new habits. It’s even harder to do those things when you aren’t totally motivated to be the best version of yourself everyday. Sure, it’s sounds good in theory to have this abundance of endless motivation all of the time every day, but that’s not reality.
In reality, we have to be motivated again and again and again every single day. I remember reading about Zig Ziglar saying something along the lines of “motivation is like showering; it is required daily. ”
So today, take a second to get situated mentally, prepare yourself physically (deep breaths may be required), and really decide that you are going to be motivated to accomplish your goals today. Maybe it’s a tiny goal. Maybe it’s a HUGE goal. Maybe it’s only a portion of what you need to do to succeed, but please find your motivation today.
Moving to a new area that you aren’t familiar with can be pretty tough, but I’m so glad that finding a meeting was a top priority for our family. Getting connected to that community as soon as possible seems to ease a tiny portion of my doubt and fears that creep in saying, “Are you sure you made the right decision moving here?”
I’m happy that we now know how to get connected in the AA community, and now I’m looking forward to finding new places to connect. It may take 6 months, it may take a year, but I know we can do anything as long as we keep our mental and spiritual lives in check.
My friends, it’s been a crazy two weeks! We are officially moved into our new home, but like any successful move, we have no idea where anything is! We are constantly asking one another, “Do you know what box that was in? Have you seen the (anything of importance) lately?” But it’s okay because we will get through this. (Hopefully with a little sanity intact too!)
During all of this chaos though, I felt I wasn’t going to be able to regularly write to you here friends and I’m sad I didn’t make it a higher priority. You see, I know you go about your day just waiting to hear the amazing words that will come out of me today (HA, calm down there ego!), but I put other things first and I hate that I did that to you.
When I say “Too Long Without You…”, I mean it. I feel like we were finally connecting and getting to a good rhythm then I up and abandoned the group. Well, ladies and I gentlemen, I’m back and I’m here to stay. The writing that goes on here helps me more than you know and I miss it. (Man, I mean I REALLY missed it!)
So I’m glad we are back in the swing of things. I hope you have a great week friends!
I woke up to some crazy storms this morning! The hanging plants on my back porch were about to be flung off into the distance when I peaked outside. I think I watched the movie Twister too many times growing up because my heart starts racing any time there’s really bad thunder and lightning. I think to myself, This is it. This is the time when we’re going to have to get down in the floor of our small half bath, with the interior walls and no windows. Maybe the roof is about to fly off our house at any second. We have to be prepared and protect our family! (Yes, I should be nominated for an Oscar based on the dramatic performances played out in my head, but it doesn’t work that way…I checked!)
Life is basically the same way. We go into our “fight or flight” modes when things get tough. Should I stay and figure out if this time the tornado of life is going to do some serious damage on my relationships? Should I hang around for the devastating aftermath that I know is inevitable with those huge clouds looming overhead? Should I prepare myself as best as I can to protect myself and my family for the storms that may or may not come?
We can’t live our lives every day with fear of the unknown. Well, we can. But if you do (or have in the past) you know how freaking exhausting that is! You know what it’s like when you see that first sign of rain. You know that there is an impending storm on the way. You have to decide whether you’re going to take cover to protect yourself and hunker down for the long haul, or you’re going to leave to find shelter elsewhere. The choice is up to you, but either way, it’s never a bad idea to find a way to protect yourself first.
Yes, I realize The Truth Behind Nothing is the title to shoot for, but this morning I can’t help but think about everything. All of the good. All of the bad. All of the experiences I’ve had in my life. I think back to a time years ago when I felt completely surrounded by people physically, but I seemed to be more alone than ever. When you feel hopelessly solo in an overwhelming world of excess, the turmoil is just beginning. Excess people. Excess stuff. Excess consuming. Excess everything.
So what is the Truth Behind Everything? Well, I can tell you my truth. My truth is that shame and guilt had the steering wheel for a long, long time. I was so wrapped up in shame that my true self couldn’t even come up to turn the radio dial without shame shoving me to the backseat and yelling, “Sit down. Shut up! I’m in control here!” (Even thinking back to those times of letting shame control my life, I get a huge lump in my throat and my head starts spiraling with toxic thoughts.)
Well, what kind of shame are we talking about here? See if any of this sounds familiar:
- Shame that I wasn’t good enough
- Guilt that I had screwed up already pretty bad in my life
- Shame that I wasn’t physically attractive enough
- Guilt that I was trying to impress other people so much, I put my own happiness aside
- Shame that I wasn’t going to meet everyone else’s standards of success
- Guilt that I was never going to be the person that I truly wanted to be
- Shame that I was an impostor in my own life
Does any of this sound familiar?
Maybe you don’t have the exact same thoughts of guilt and shame, but you know what I’m talking about. I still battle with these doubts and fears daily, but I’m happy to say that the conversation I have with these enemies today looks a lot different. Our conversation goes like this:
Shame/Guilt: So, you think you’re going to put yourself out there without consequence? Ha, everyone’s going to laugh at you. You’re nobody. You’re nothing. You’re not even good enough.
Me: Well, you may be right about some stuff, but don’t you dare tell me I’m not good enough. I have already accomplished so much in my life without you there that I honestly don’t even need you anymore. So you can sit your ass in the backseat. No talking. No window privileges. No bathroom breaks. And absolutely no snacks. I’m done feeding you. You are no longer driving this vehicle and steering us in the wrong direction. No more turning around when I feel scared. No more holding me back from going over the mountain. Yes, there will be detours. There may even be more speed bumps along the way. But I’m in control. Not you, me. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it!
Don’t let anything or anyone tell you that you aren’t enough. You are in control. Go take back your driver’s seat today!
I try to keep this writing light and not too “Debbie Downer.” I mean, there are serious, deep conversations that need to be had, but there are also amazing stories of blessings and miracles that happen each day that we need to acknowledge and appreciate.
For example, I met someone yesterday who has the potential to be a major collaborator on a project I’m working on. Plus, she was generally a really nice person! I love meeting new people who are down to earth and lacking the fake personality that seems to be running rampant these days.
The blessing behind all of this is that I prayed, and continue to pray, that my Higher Power would bring positive people into my life who can teach me something. Growing up as an athlete all of my life, I really respond to other people’s coaching and training. I’m willing to listen and learn. This person has the ability to teach me so much about business, getting out of my comfort zone, and it sounds like we could be good friends too.
Count your blessings every day. Look around at the ordinary things in your life. Don’t dismiss that person who was overly nice to you at the grocery store or your co-worker (whom you’ve battled with for months) coming around on a project you knew would make the boss extremely happy. Take notice in the small coincidences every day. Call them what you may, but there aren’t really coincidences. They are divine arrangements. They are there to brighten your day, pick you up when you feel down, and they give you a chance to show gratitude for the ordinary.
I’m so grateful for the blessings in my life.
For which blessings in your life are you most grateful?