When the Drunk Self Misses the Party

Social media has its faults. I’m sure you are all well aware of this. One of the biggest is how much our society has become reliant on “likes”, “shares”, “tags”, and “views”. Another big reason I’m waking up a little perturbed with the interwebs today is that the drunk lady in me really doesn’t like seeing all of those happy drunk girls out on the town in their cute little outfits and no inhibitions.

I used to be that girl. I was fun when I was that girl. Does this mean I’m not fun anymore? Look how much fun they’re having. They all have such tight and toned little bodies that haven’t been ravaged from three pregnancies. Their cute little outfits that make them look like they belong on a freaking magazine spread about “girls night” or some shit like that. All of them with their over-sized glasses of wine filled way higher than what would be socially accepted at a fancy place, but then again, we never hung out at fancy places. I miss being one of those girls. 

Then, I snap back to reality.

I realize those girls are all waking up with hangovers the size of Texas, probably mad at each other for saying something stupid that shouldn’t have been said in front of a large crowd (even if it only had to do with someone really needing a tampon). There was probably someone who peed the bed (in my experience there’s always one in the group). There was probably someone who messed around or even slept with a questionable mate. I’m sure they will feel their “partying” for a few days even after the last drinks are gone and there are no more cute dresses and uncomfortably cute shoes.

Yeah, I don’t miss all of that. And that is what reminds me that I’m happy to be here – settled into my own little life with my responsible/SOBER/hardworking husband, our dog, and our three little monsters.

Yeah, I’m perfectly content right here.

 

Hi, My name is ___________. Let’s get started!

Have you ever been to therapy before? I have. Several times actually. I went by myself once when my husband was still drinking and I was on the verge of filing for divorce if he didn’t stop. I went another time when my husband found out I had an affair several years ago (in the prime of all of the drinking). And then my husband and I went together for marriage counseling. Yes, I’ve been to therapy. I know the drill.

Lately though I feel like it’s time to go back for another round. I struggle with a lot of things internally that I don’t believe I should suffer through alone. But who am I supposed to share these deep thoughts with?

Some people say, “You should share everything with your spouse!” We both know the crazy that lives inside each of our heads so we decided a long time ago that we share things when they are necessary or really need to be spoken.

Some people say, “I share everything with my best friend…everything!” Though I do share a lot with my best girlfriend, I don’t believe she would quite understand some of the things I struggle with since we aren’t always on the same page. Plus, I can tell when she holds back and doesn’t say something she really wants to say to me.

Some people say, “You should just pray about everything and God will work it all out.” I’ll be perfectly honest, I pray every morning. I pray about all of the crazy in my head. I pray about all of the people I care about. I pray about my hopes and my dreams. Most of all, I pray for all of the burdens on my heart. But I still feel this nagging that I should go speak with someone. I need more guidance.

Maybe this is you too. Maybe it’s not. Maybe you think therapy is a joke. But from someone who has had my fair share of counseling sessions, I say try it if you are left with minimal options on dealing with your inner demons. Recovery meetings are great and I’m sure they are the outlet most addicts turn to when they need answers, but I also believe therapy is a safe place to be brutally honest with yourself.

Rain, Rain, Rain

It’s been storming here all night and even across a large part of our region yesterday. There was some flooding near my hometown, but overall not a lot of significant damage that I’m aware of. Rain has the tendency to be beautiful and destructive all at the same time.

For example, we’ve gone through periods of severe drought where all of the technology in the world couldn’t save what rain could help in just minutes. There have also been times when a lightning storms rolls in and I couldn’t imagine another way I’d rather spend my time on this earth than observing the magnificent natural light show before me.

So is the way of life…

We have times of great joy when things happen just when we need them to happen, there are times when we desperately pray that something will save us from the chaotic ways of a life we no longer understand, and then there is beauty in how the destructive ways of our lives have led us to the most beautiful outcomes we never could have imagined.

Thank God today for the rain…

Consistency Goes a Long Way

Are there 1,000,000 people flocking to this blog every day to see what is going on?  No.  Are there people lining up around building corners to catch a sneak appearance to the author of these works?  No.  Are there people who show up regularly to see what’s going here?  Yes.  Those are the people I want to connect to.

Sadly, I believe many people get into writing/blogging/other creative endeavors with the intention of getting rich and receiving fame from the world. The truth is, just showing up every day and writing something here (even on days when I really don’t feel like it) heals part of my soul.

I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’m not writing this for your benefit. Yes, I do hope you get something from the words on the screen, but I’m here to process. I’m here to share insight and stories and to “feel” because the majority of the time I’m not allowed to share these words so openly.

I show up every day here and write about what’s on my heart. I don’t have a laid out “blog plan” to grow my audience or to receive lots of revenue streams from this platform. (Please don’t use this blog as any reference on how to run a successful-money making blog…you’ll be sorely disappointed!)

But I do show up consistently because that is what we have to do for each other…just show up over and over and over again. I’m here today. What I’m talking about may not be addressed to you. It may not make sense. It may not connect with your story today. But my prayer is that you will find something that does. Find somewhere to be constantly and consistently fed encouraging words.

What’s Up With That?

I know I’ve discussed this before, but I tend to run the gamut of emotions when it comes to figuring out sobriety, in myself and others. I go from being totally supportive and encouraging to impatient and frustrated within seconds.

Can I get an Easy Button already?

Really, I thought so much of this was supposed to be “figured out” once we decide to be sober. All of our problems will melt away, I told myself. So why do I keep having to remind myself it doesn’t work that way? Why is my mind so childlike sometimes that I have to be reminded how life gets messy?

Maybe it’s a romantic dramatization of everything. We want a Hollywood story that ends with a fairy tale ending and all of the pieces of the puzzle put back together. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but life doesn’t work that way. We have to work through the messy crap. We have to deal with the emotional strife. We must overcome obstacles.

I know all of that sounds exhausting, but man, it’s so worth it too!

So if you’re struggling today to keep trudging through the muck in the trenches, remind yourself that you can do it! You’re not fighting hard to get a fairy tale ending; you’re fighting for your own life!

One day at a time…

Triggers

I may have talked about this before, or I could have only had this conversation in my head so often I feel like it has taken place elsewhere. There are many “triggers” I have had to deal with as I stopped drinking as well as when my husband quit. 

What do I mean by “triggers”? I mean those emotional surges you get when you go from being a totally rational human being one second to all hell breaking loose internally the next. I’ll give you some of my examples:

• (My husband to me): I’m just going to call into work today. 
• Hearing the sound of a gas station bag with a 6-pack of tall boys inside hitting the kitchen counter.
• My kids screaming out of control inside the house.
• My parents telling me they’re getting divorced. 
• Other people drinking like idiots when I have to be the only sober one who drives everyone else around.

These are only a few examples of a LONG list of triggers I have had to not let get under my skin. I still struggle with things that set me off, but at least I have an action plan of how to deal with them now. I take a deep breath, remove myself from the room or situation (if possible), and I don’t come back until I’ve calmed down. Sometimes I can’t escape others’ bad decisions, but I can control how I will react to them.

Do You Miss It?

I had a close friend recently ask me if I find myself tempted to drink or if I missed it. The knee-jerk thought I had was, Absolutely not! (This response felt more out of obligation than how I truly felt.) But then once I thought about it a while, I realized I didn’t miss drinking because of all of the bad stuff that comes along with it. 

I don’t miss hangovers (for obvious reasons), but more importantly I don’t miss the person I became when I drank. I was selfish, obnoxious (more so than I am sober), made poor decisions, and I was unkind to people I love. I don’t miss that version of myself.

I love being a truer version of myself. Sure, I have to deal with a lot more emotional baggage (from myself), but I think that’s how humans are supposed to be. We aren’t meant to numb feelings and push them aside (what I was notorious for doing). We are meant to feel hurt, anger, happiness, sadness, and joy. 

I’ll take leaning into discomfort and being true to myself over living a life trapped inside an inauthentic reality any day.

Serenity

Serenity…I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the Serenity Prayer or not, but it goes like this:

God, Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,

COURAGE to change the things I can,

And WISDOM to know the difference.

(Emphasis mine)

I fully believe in looking at definitions of words, even when I think I understand their meaning. This gives me a fresh perspective on words I’m sure I already know the meaning. Merriam Webster’s definition of the key words in this prayer:

Serenity (Serene) – calm and peaceful

Courage – the ability to do something that you know is difficult or dangerous

Wisdom – knowledge of what is proper or reasonable; good sense or judgment.

My own interpretation of this prayer:

God, give me peace when I can’t control things in my life,

Give me strength for the tough decisions I know I have to make,

And please give me the common sense to know which things I have control over and the things that I don’t. Amen.

I’m not sure if you’re a prayer person or not, but this helps me daily to reevaluate my life. I get upset about something and immediately try to zero in on whether any part of the situation is in my control or not. If it’s not, then I immediately talk to my HP about handing the situation over to Him. I will say, “I can’t do this without You,” and then I feel a little better. The problem usually isn’t resolved instantaneously, but at least I know I have done my part to get it out of my head that I’m in control.

Today

All we have is today. Whether it’s a good day or a bad day. The best day ever or the day you just want to crawl into a hole. Today is all we have.

 

I try to have a good attitude every day, but some days it is really hard. Maybe I force a smile when I really just want to scream. Maybe I’m extra nice to the person who frustrates me the most. Maybe I take more deep breaths than normal. It’s okay. Because all I can do is try. I can’t be perfect no matter what day of the week it is, but I can try.

 

Today, I promise to try to be the best version of myself. I promise to work on being patient, kind, respectful, honest, and all of the other good qualities I want to see people show to me. I want to be an example of a woman who is trying her best. Even when I come up short, that’s okay. I am only human after all.