Looking Back to See

Have you ever tried to recall a drunken memory? Not one where you were the life of the party and everyone had a great time getting home safely. I’m talking about one of those memories where you question your judgement entirely, or that of someone else. One where you think, “I never want to remember what happened that night again!” It’s in those moments of pure reckless abandon that we find where it all went wrong.

For example, have you ever been in an argument with someone while you are intoxicated? Did it end well? Did you realize how ridiculous you were being before things escalated to the point of no return? Was someone able to calm you down and help you walk it off? There are countless ways to make bad decisions while you’re drunk, but I believe reflecting on the moment when you lost control is crucial to change.

I was in an argument with my brother once. We both had a lot too drink and although it was a playful and stupid fight, I knew with our friends surrounding us one of our ego’s was going to win. I had a tendency to pick fights a lot when I was drinking. Not physical fights, well, not physical fights with random people. I tended to pick on people whom I knew would never really hurt me. (How about psychoanalyzing that?) Pushing my brother’s buttons almost became a pastime to my drunken self and I felt childlike in this alternative world were I could be mean and say shocking things and he couldn’t retaliate against me because I knew he loved me and would never hurt me.

This might all seem absurd and you’ve never in your life made any mistakes because you are a responsible drinker and are normal. Well, sorry to disappoint here folks, but I was a hot mess! It’s only in looking back at these memories that I can see all of the wrongdoings, the immaturity, and the lack of self respect. This is where I go back to when I need to grow. When I need to reassure myself that I have made progress and I’m not a total monster anymore. This is where I go to in my mind when I have a moment of weakness thinking I’m not enough. I am enough. You are enough too.