The Mother I Could Have Been

I do think about it a lot. It’s probably the main reason why I outdo myself as a mom most of the time. I’m sure people think I’m trying to compete with the other moms for the “Super Mom” award, but really I’m just in competition with myself.

I was a decent mom. I never left my kids anywhere. I was present for them when they needed me. I attended to their every need. But I was also a lot of things I’m not proud of. I was impatient. I was not as compassionate as I am now. I yelled when it wasn’t necessary. I snapped at my kids when I should have taken a deep breath or walked into the other room. 

Basically I was a martyr. Everything bad was happening to me while I was just trying to “make it”. The truth is, things were not as bad as I made them out to be. My attitude was bad. My perspective was totally skewed.

I wasn’t a daily drinker. I didn’t HAVE to have something to drink every day, however, when the weekend came around, all bets were off. I would binge on whatever we happened to have in the house, most of the time beer or wine. 

I was always up for the kids the next morning, groggy, tired, and hungover, but nonetheless I was awake. But I was just functioning. I wasn’t really present. I wasn’t the mother my children deserved. Yelling at your kids because you have a headache (hangover) isn’t their fault. Feeling like all of my nerves were going to crawl out of my body at any given moment (on the edge) was no way for them or myself to live.

So yes, I am the home room mom. I cook things from scratch like bread and cinnamon rolls. I get up early on Saturday mornings and watch cartoons with my kids because I know my kids won’t need me one day. They’ll grow up and move out. But I don’t want the memory of their mother growing up to be the angry, impatient, and on edge Mom I used to be. I’m still not perfect, not even a little. But I’m sober today and I’m trying.


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