The road to recovery is paved with lots of anxiety, high hopes, and a renewed spirit. But it’s also REALLY hard to accept.
Here we were trying to keep our lives pulled together, but now instead of drinking every day my husband has to leave to go to his meetings. There was much resentment about this. I was throwing the world’s biggest (might I add ridiculous) pity party known to man!
I wanted him to be sober, but I didn’t want him away from us after he got off of work to do what needed to be done at those recovery meetings. I just did not understand. Can’t he just quit drinking and be done with it? Does he really NEED to go every single day? Why can’t like 2-3 times a week suffice?
I was clueless what the road to recovery looked like. I didn’t know the real work he was doing in there. I honestly (and coldly) did not understand why these meetings were a necessary thing for him to be sober. I thought alcoholics went to one AA meeting, and they were “healed”. Hooray! That’s all it took! One meeting and our family is completely put back together and we’re all sublimely happy!!
Not even close…
I look back and see a lot of resentment on my part and I’m ashamed of how I behaved. But I also look back and see resilience on my husband’s side. He went to meeting day after day after day. He didn’t know if it would work. He didn’t know who he would talk to that day or what he would walk away from that meeting knowing. He just knew he had to change the cycle. He had to do this with someone’s help.
I urge anyone reading this to get educated on alcoholism. There’s SO MUCH that I not only did not know, but had so far misconstrued in my head. Even when my husband told me it’s what he needed, I still resisted.
“Every day? But you’ll miss dinner. What about putting the kids to bed? What about my needs? I need a break too you know.”
I’m ashamed of my behavior, though I’m sure they were just my human emotions coming to the surface.
As I sit here, years down the road to recovery, my encouragement would be to keep trying. Have hope. It does get better. Find an Al-Anon meeting or someone you can talk to about your feelings. You’re not alone. I wasn’t alone in feeling this way. I just didn’t know it until I finally said something.