It’s Positive…

I’d like to say I was completely humbled and awed and excited and all of the other happy-go-lucky positive things you’re supposed to say when you find out you’re expecting a child, but I was scared shitless. I was 21, a senior in college, and had only know the guy for 4 months.

I just wanted a cigarette and a beer.

So the narrative in my head began:

“No no…you can’t do that now. You’re not just living for yourself. You have something precious growing inside of you and you have to be concerned for the baby’s well being as much as your own. No more partying. No more bars. No more late nights out on the town.
Try to forget that you live in one of the biggest party towns in the state and go to a school that was once in PlayBoy magazine as a “Top Party School to Attend”.

You need to focus on being happy and being pregnant. Don’t worry that you all of a sudden don’t have any friends to hang out with because let’s face it, who wants to sit at home with the 21 yr old preggo when they can be at the bar meeting their “future someone”?

Sure, your boyfriend will come around, sometimes, and take you to meet his buddies. I mean, y’all are still getting to know each other after all. He’ll sometimes not answer your calls and you’ll find him passed out in his quasi-frat house because it’s just what you do when you’re in college.

Your dog will become your best friend and your shoulder to cry on because he’s there no matter what. Your parents are too far away to go home every weekend, but they will be there if you need them in a moments’ notice. Besides, do you really want to cry to mommy and daddy every night? You’re a grown woman now. You need to be strong. You’re going to be a mother after all.

You will have rumors said about you in class. People ask too many questions. You’ll have people ask if you’re engaged or say “Oh I didn’t know you got married” when you say you’re preggo. Then you’ll awkwardly tell them, “Oh no…Nothing like that.”

Thankfully, I’ve pushed passed this narrative and am out on the other side living life in a healthier place. But when someone asks things like “How did it feel knowing you were pregnant with your first?” Or “How did you and your husband meet?” I immediately and emotionally spiral back to this time when I want to say I was happier than I’d ever been, I was overjoyed, I was ecstatic to be a new mom, we totally planned this…but the truth is I was terrified more than anything.

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